Liarmouth--A Feel-Bad Romance by John Waters

Author:John Waters
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Farrar, Straus and Giroux

13

Marsha wishes that nurse’s phone she swiped back at the hospital had the Lyft app, but no, she had to have Uber, which almost rhymes with loser, while Lyft definitely rhymes with grift, but who cares? Either way Marsha won’t be paying out of her own pocket. Oh, the days when she had her own chauffeur! Before his dick took over and turned him into more of a prick than he already was. But who’s in the figurative driver’s seat now? Certainly not Daryl or his blue balls. They’re riding inside a crowded, sweaty, BO-drenched, unsafe van with a bunch of deranged fitness fanatics who couldn’t even kill her when there were nine of them (plus a fucked-up dog and a blabbermouth dick) and only one of her. Even the scab from the bite on her hand is still intact.

Yep, Marsha’s the one in control here, about to be dropped off by a glorified hack at LaGuardia Airport, but what the hell, rideshare drivers keep their mouths shut because they usually have a shady past. If they had a real job, they wouldn’t be doing this, right? The male ones, like the guy she has today, probably spend too much time watching sports highlights on TV and beating off. He obviously has no navigation skills either. What New York driver needs to use a GPS to get to the airport? He doesn’t know where LaGuardia is? Don’t they have to take tests or something?

Uninterrupted moments of truth bore Marsha so why not have a little fun? “Excuse me,” she says with exaggerated politeness, “what do you think of the news?” “What news?” he asked with mild alarm. “Dolly Parton revealed today that she’s a man,” she explains with a straight face. “What?” he howls. “I know,” she says with a nod, “drag queens are everywhere these days, aren’t they?” “She has a dick?!” he howls in disbelief. “Apparently,” she announces. “What kind of dick?” he demands in utter confusion. “An uncircumcised one,” she continues, “if you believe the leaked reports from this Sunday’s upcoming 60 Minutes!” “You’re kidding me!” he shouts over the traffic noises as he pulls up to drop her off at the departure door to JetBlue Airways. What fun is it to lie when they believe you right away? Convincing them is the thrilling part.

Marsha rates the Uber-goober zero stars on the app, clicks off “no tip,” and hits the “send” button. “Officer,” she says to the power-hungry airport traffic cop on the curb who is needlessly harassing noncommercial vehicle drivers pulling over to drop off family members for flights, “that car over there has been circling repeatedly.” “Thank you, ma’am,” he says with a macho load of law and order pounding through his veins. Marsha has no particular beef with the random innocent driver of the vehicle she had just fingered, but that was the point. The poor schmo was lucky to be part of Marsha’s random acts of meanness. He’s in this book, isn’t he?

She

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